what if

dark-darkness-loneliness-1446948.jpg

What if? What if it never works out? What if we run out of money? What if nobody supports us? What if we can’t do it? What if we can? What if he leaves? What if I can never do it on my own? What if…what if... what if…

The anxiety of overthinking that comes with the fear of abandonment is relentless, there’s no other like it. The fact that you fear you can’t make it with someone’s help bleeds into the fear of not succeeding without them. The result is always the same because of the core root belief that you don’t deserve any of it in the first place. The person being the crutch or tool, to keep you frozen in time- snuggled in your hole of immobility, holding onto every bit of warmth and comfort that safety seemingly provides you.

But why are we carrying this in the first place? What was the trauma or micro traumas that resulted in this auto-response of always making ourselves small? Is it because the more we squash ourselves-our light, down, the more we’ll go by unnoticed by our parent, so they won’t have to leave us? Is it because we fear that we are incapable of supporting ourselves, so we latch onto whom or whatever we choose, to be our 24-hours, on-call liability? Are we trying to make someone else accountable of our lives so as to never have to take responsibility for ourselves; our actions (or lack of), and where we take ourselves in this lifetime? Are we refusing to acknowledge that deep down we feel responsible for everyone’s choice to leave us? Is that the curtain that hides our resistance to recognize that another person decided to abandon us? May that be why we build ourselves a prison-like shelter of blame and shame to keep us out of the heavy rains of unworthiness that pour over us? Perhaps it’s a combination of it all- I am most certain it is.

A method that works for me is creating my charts; what emotion arises from this thought/situation and where do I feel it in my body? When was the first time I felt this way that I can remember (don’t overthink it)? What am I afraid of, and furthermore, what is the possible subconscious fear that resides beneath it all? What is the truth of the situation and any sensible outcomes? What can I do to heal this, and what do I need in this moment? The slow and mindful dissection of each situation paves the way to revealing the micro-traumas beneath it all making it the motivator to accept, love and release it.

Other times, all you can do is stay afloat as the waves of fear wash over you- honoring its existence and allowing yourself to be present in the emotions and thoughts as they arise- working to become unattached to what surfaces. Accepting that sometimes we fall backwards even after taking steps forward.

I believe it to be important that we always visit our inner child. Talk to her, forgive her, console her, play with her, teach her the lessons that you once were unable to, and not ready for, as her guide. Reassure her that while good and bad feedback is part of the process, it is nothing to fasten onto and correlate our worthiness to or what we are deserving of. Having unconditional compassion for the universe that is part of us can only occur from giving compassion towards ourselves first.

When we willingly visit the shadows, we are gifting ourselves with the courage, strength and will power to unravel it all. What we don’t realize is that when we are in the depths of despair, we are mining through what we think is rubbish- only to revealing it was a diamond all along. Diamonds provide us with the ‘ah-ha’ epiphany inducing moments that help us piece together in order to work as the catalyst that propels us further down the unimaginable path of healing and growth.

It’s not about the other person-it never was. People and things are the mere distractions we pick to enable us in avoiding the fact that life is what we make of it. We are not entitled to someone creating the perfect life for us- we have to get off our ass and make it happen for ourselves! We are all worthy, we are all deserving. But most importantly, we all have the capability within us to get it. The more we do the work to get there- the quicker we will be able to enjoy the serendipitous events that occur to bring our dreams to life- the same ones we thought we could never accomplish.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

 

 

A letter to you

20190525_130801.jpg

Young and naive, confused and alone, the cycle would go on for years. Absorbing my surroundings like a sponge, memorizing words of hate to use decades later in my own personal attacks of those whom I cherished. The chaos continued and here began my addiction of escape and coping mechanisms that allowed me to merely exist in this world- floating through my constant cloud of depression that became so normalized that I had a full out battle with my ego when I later tried to give it up. The safe haven of darkness that was so familiar and cozy- ripped out from under me was enough to give me my first of many mental breakdowns.

It wasn’t until I chose to start doing this increasingly difficult work, that I was able to finally begin to make sense of it all. The process of questioning, unlearning, rewiring and digging up the roots that ran so deep within me and had grown into enormously miserable yet thriving plants of despair and flowers of hopelessness flipped it all around for me. The new self-awareness and hyper sensitivity of becoming a completely different person gave me the much-needed perspective to make sense of it all.

They say that at birth we come into this world having the cumulative trauma of four generations embedded into our DNA, a shockingly simple realization for me now. At the almost age of 30, I squeeze the murky water from my childhood sponge to see its contents spilled out in front of me. Even as adult children it’s difficult for us to remember that our parents are merely humans, like the rest of us. We create unreachable expectations for those around us and collapse to the ground when they aren’t met. I understand that you came from different backgrounds and generations. I understand that you had good intentions all along, but they never matched your expectations because they didn’t align with your values that you had inherited from someone else without question. I see how you did your best, even if it meant showing up empty- because no one ever modeled self-care to you. I know that the invisible line between love and co-dependency is easy to cross- and I’m even more familiar with how that mindset sends you spiraling into the darkness of a victim mentality. It’s easy to be a victim; to be miserable, to blame the world and everyone in it for your mood swings, depression, resentment, self-loathing and failures. That style of life is a much more instinctual pick versus the one where we take responsibility for our problems, reflect and question ourselves and what we put out in this world. The ego is here to protect us and keep us alive, but it also loves labels and identities and it works overtime to construct the resilient pride that refuses to let go of what no longer is working, for fear of its necessary ego-death. Many of us will never be able to admit that we get what we put out.

It’s one thing to finally look in the mirror and realize what you’ve been projecting onto others; seeing the damage you’ve caused and the effect it had on everyone around you- but it’s a much more difficult road to learn the healthy way to behave and think- let alone apply it in real life. Many of us choose the long road of denial- something I had difficulty finding my way out of thanks to those coping mechanisms I mentioned earlier. Material things, escaping with drugs and an exploding social calendar, even romantic comedies were a way to keep my head in the clouds- not noticing how it would bring about the crumbling of many un-sturdy foundations when they didn’t match the fluffy Disney-like happy endings I fantasized my codependency would lead to.

I know that it seems much easier to keep pointing the finger, stonewall and run away than to do what seems impossible- heal. But the healing is exactly what you will be preventing from yourselves if you don’t use this experience wisely- Spirit will only give you so many opportunities for growth before you can no longer live with the regret. Blaming will only lead to worse problems that never get fixed because you are denying yourself the opportunity to take responsibility and make necessary changes. Criticizing, judging and using hate filled words to air out the pressure of pent up resentment is just a mere projection of what is inside- anger and sadness. It’s hard to let go of the entitlement that comes from refusing to accept, or even fathom the idea, that other possible perspectives exist or the fact that other people having opinions and feelings too. The incessant pain that you try to squash with distractions will never dissipate because deep down you know that acknowledging it means admitting defeat and the fact that you can never take back the hurt you caused others.

I close my eyes; my mind’s eye settles in the darkness and I fixate my sight on a little girl-myself. She’s small and seems helpless, with tear-filled eyes she looks up at me. Her hand in mine, trembling with fear and sadness. She is hurt but she knows she will be ok. We walk together to the other side of the room, where two other children are standing. My mother, young and frail looking- scared to death. Her only known purpose is the family she raises- the struggles of motherhood and not knowing how to express her love raveled in a nest of depression and loneliness. My father is thin, with a sad boyish face. His eyes long for more, yet he fears he will never reach it so he constantly and subconsciously does just that. Neither of them feels worthy or deserving- the affection they received only showed glimpses of what true and unconditional love was, so together they would struggle, blindly, until they could learn to love themselves first. My younger self and I forgive you; we understand and we accept what has happened and what is happening. Regardless of the immense pain and trauma that it has caused to resurface, I am grateful for this because it is making me look at what I was running away from for two decades. As Freud said “one day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” That is the only thing I am certain of.

I am the daughter of you two beautiful beings and I will never stop being that, I am not here to choose sides- I see the pain behind both of your experiences. I just wish you the best of luck and I hope you find your way back home-wherever that may be.

 

Love always,

Mabelyn