What if? What if it never works out? What if we run out of money? What if nobody supports us? What if we can’t do it? What if we can? What if he leaves? What if I can never do it on my own? What if…what if... what if…
The anxiety of overthinking that comes with the fear of abandonment is relentless, there’s no other like it. The fact that you fear you can’t make it with someone’s help bleeds into the fear of not succeeding without them. The result is always the same because of the core root belief that you don’t deserve any of it in the first place. The person being the crutch or tool, to keep you frozen in time- snuggled in your hole of immobility, holding onto every bit of warmth and comfort that safety seemingly provides you.
But why are we carrying this in the first place? What was the trauma or micro traumas that resulted in this auto-response of always making ourselves small? Is it because the more we squash ourselves-our light, down, the more we’ll go by unnoticed by our parent, so they won’t have to leave us? Is it because we fear that we are incapable of supporting ourselves, so we latch onto whom or whatever we choose, to be our 24-hours, on-call liability? Are we trying to make someone else accountable of our lives so as to never have to take responsibility for ourselves; our actions (or lack of), and where we take ourselves in this lifetime? Are we refusing to acknowledge that deep down we feel responsible for everyone’s choice to leave us? Is that the curtain that hides our resistance to recognize that another person decided to abandon us? May that be why we build ourselves a prison-like shelter of blame and shame to keep us out of the heavy rains of unworthiness that pour over us? Perhaps it’s a combination of it all- I am most certain it is.
A method that works for me is creating my charts; what emotion arises from this thought/situation and where do I feel it in my body? When was the first time I felt this way that I can remember (don’t overthink it)? What am I afraid of, and furthermore, what is the possible subconscious fear that resides beneath it all? What is the truth of the situation and any sensible outcomes? What can I do to heal this, and what do I need in this moment? The slow and mindful dissection of each situation paves the way to revealing the micro-traumas beneath it all making it the motivator to accept, love and release it.
Other times, all you can do is stay afloat as the waves of fear wash over you- honoring its existence and allowing yourself to be present in the emotions and thoughts as they arise- working to become unattached to what surfaces. Accepting that sometimes we fall backwards even after taking steps forward.
I believe it to be important that we always visit our inner child. Talk to her, forgive her, console her, play with her, teach her the lessons that you once were unable to, and not ready for, as her guide. Reassure her that while good and bad feedback is part of the process, it is nothing to fasten onto and correlate our worthiness to or what we are deserving of. Having unconditional compassion for the universe that is part of us can only occur from giving compassion towards ourselves first.
When we willingly visit the shadows, we are gifting ourselves with the courage, strength and will power to unravel it all. What we don’t realize is that when we are in the depths of despair, we are mining through what we think is rubbish- only to revealing it was a diamond all along. Diamonds provide us with the ‘ah-ha’ epiphany inducing moments that help us piece together in order to work as the catalyst that propels us further down the unimaginable path of healing and growth.
It’s not about the other person-it never was. People and things are the mere distractions we pick to enable us in avoiding the fact that life is what we make of it. We are not entitled to someone creating the perfect life for us- we have to get off our ass and make it happen for ourselves! We are all worthy, we are all deserving. But most importantly, we all have the capability within us to get it. The more we do the work to get there- the quicker we will be able to enjoy the serendipitous events that occur to bring our dreams to life- the same ones we thought we could never accomplish.