Healing from Sexual Trauma: Part 2- Unleashed

action-adult-art-2204818.jpg

I move my precious body as one of my favorite songs plays. All alone in the sacred space I have created I am encouraged to remove my clothing. The freedom of being in my own skin as I intuitively dance to the music. As the climax of the song approaches, I am brought to tears, I feel the front and back of my heart opening as I move and cry all at once. I am filled with joy and sadness, and pure bliss. I release it all in my movement. From this place of turn on- I am ready to create.

It’s taken a long time for me to come to this place. Knowing very well that my sexuality, sensuality and creativity were all interconnected in the same place in my body- the sacral chakra; the womb space that is meant for creating and giving birth to life. How could I possibly tap into this abundant space that connects me straight to God when I felt so small, so shriveled up, so stale and stuck and dry? Even after healing my sexual trauma I was still left with the scattered pieces. Feelings of unworthiness, self-hate that caused me to become insecure in myself and create false body image beliefs. I was making myself small even though I craved to be seen- I longed for self-expression and to feel empowered in my sexuality and sensuality. I could no longer bear the pain of living in a creative rut without imploding.

Dance has always been one of my passions, a place where I felt completely free and overflowing with vivacious and juicy energy. It’s one of the reasons I was called to start my Goddess Ceremonies and dedicate a big portion of those day retreats to dancing. Not just regular dancing, but intentional movement. Where different genres of music and styles of dance merge with each chakra in order to express, release and reboot our sacred energy.

In the past, dance was associated to me with being trashed, carefree and a young, naïve woman at the bar. Half dancing for myself, and half dancing for attention and validation from others. I wanted to be perceived as sexy, a man eater, a tease. In the moment I felt great, but it only ended with me feeling small- not realizing I was giving my power away to anyone who would glance my way just so I could be seen. This is why I felt uncomfortable dancing when I was at home or alone, or sober for that matter. I didn’t feel good in my skin and instead of allowing that shakti energy to flow and uncoil, I stayed stuck in my mind-ungrounded and unwilling to appreciate the embodiment practice that needed to be released.

It wasn’t until the Radiance Retreat hosted by Goddess Alyssa Kuzins, that it was all able to come together for me. All those years of journaling, reflecting, meditating, therapy, de-armoring and trying to figure out why I couldn’t just feel good in my skin finally made sense. With the combination of Goddess study, each woman was able to learn and resonate with a specific Goddess that called to them.

Kali, the ruthless woman who was the remover of obstacles and fear, she represented beginnings and endings and didn’t give a flying fuck. She was able to break me out of my prison. “May she jolt me out of my stuckness, my smallness, my staleness- and shake me into living and creating from a feeling of being turned on.” My prayer to Kali did not come unanswered as we danced and moved the energy through- allowing our bodies to process what we had just set as our new intentions. Kundalini rising within each of us- we are the epitome of Radiant Women.

Goddess Freya visited me next- the card I had initially pulled was ready to come into play, as Kali passed me on. Freya embodies an unapologetic vivaciousness. She is a warrior, bold and free- expressive of her sensuality and sexuality, adventurous and fun. She is me and I am her. “Divine Spirit, may you channel your message through me, I am here, I am ready and the time is now”. After my wild woman ran and danced through the pouring rain, she changed into her most gorgeous see-through nightie and she danced her way out. For the first time in my life I really felt my body, I was so grateful for it and all that she allowed me to do. I payed her gratitude as it finally made sense that I must move her out of love in order to get the creative juices flowing and connected to the creative ideas that Shakti births and into action where Shiva joins us. I was living in a place of smallness, not afraid of failure- for I had “failed” many times before and lived on- but afraid of succeeding. Afraid that to no longer be small and smothered meant to leave everything behind. The lack of movement in my life led me to live in fear, it led me to believe the drama in my mind- the excuses that kept me buried under the covers for fear of true expression, true healing, and truly sharing my gifts to the world- I was unable to take the small steps in the right direction because of the“bigger picture” that the hell in my mind had envisioned.

I AM A RADIANT ASS WOMAN. I AM HERE. THE TIME IS NOW. I AM UNLEASHED AND FROM THIS SACRED SPACE- I CREATE, I LIVE, I LOVE, I PLAY, I FEEL, I DANCE…I AM.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

 

a letter to money

sh_27016765.jpg

Dear Money,

In the past you’ve always petrified me, and I felt hopeless about the power that you held over me. I witnessed you tear my family apart. You were always blamed for the biggest problems on this planet. I watched my family and then myself become controlled by you; desperate, needy, stressed, worried, fearful, panicked and then resentful of you. Then one day you took everything away from us. I made a decision then that I needed to tell you to fuck off- I threw all the rules out the window and I became obsessed with materialism- using it to distract me and “cope” with my emotional wounds. I lusted over my superficial wealth and the latest thing on the market to the point that I didn’t care how I got it or who I hurt in the process. I treated you poorly by wasting you away on things that had no real value in my life. I felt that you were unreliable, that you could be there one moment and then the next you would be gone, so I spent you impulsively, racking up endless shame and guilt to compliment my growing debt. Nothing was ever enough, you always felt out of reach, unapproachable and something I was unworthy of. Evoking any gratitude for what I had was as likely as me visiting a faraway planet in another dimension. All I knew was greed and it was bottomless pit.

Now I know who you really are. I took the leap to heal our relationship, taking responsibility for my past and ending my lifelong addiction to being a victim. I know you are pure energy; love, abundance, the messenger and you are always everywhere and all around me. I have access to you whenever I want, and unlimited amounts. I know deep down that I do deserve you and I am worthy of you. I know that the work I will do for this planet will be matched by the immense amounts of abundance I will receive in return. Even though I still have work to do to release my subconscious beliefs about fear and lack, I love you and I am grateful for all that you have brought into my life and the lessons I have learned throughout our relationship. I know that as long as I continue to put in this healing work and treat you the way you deserve to be treated that you too will always be there for me. I trust in our Universe to give me exactly what I need to live my best and fullest life. I am abundance and I am open and ready to receive. I look forward to seeing you soon and for the beautiful, respectful, responsible and loving relationship that is blooming between us.

 

I love money, because I love myself.

 

Love always,

Mabes