Healing from Sexual Trauma: Part 2- Unleashed

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I move my precious body as one of my favorite songs plays. All alone in the sacred space I have created I am encouraged to remove my clothing. The freedom of being in my own skin as I intuitively dance to the music. As the climax of the song approaches, I am brought to tears, I feel the front and back of my heart opening as I move and cry all at once. I am filled with joy and sadness, and pure bliss. I release it all in my movement. From this place of turn on- I am ready to create.

It’s taken a long time for me to come to this place. Knowing very well that my sexuality, sensuality and creativity were all interconnected in the same place in my body- the sacral chakra; the womb space that is meant for creating and giving birth to life. How could I possibly tap into this abundant space that connects me straight to God when I felt so small, so shriveled up, so stale and stuck and dry? Even after healing my sexual trauma I was still left with the scattered pieces. Feelings of unworthiness, self-hate that caused me to become insecure in myself and create false body image beliefs. I was making myself small even though I craved to be seen- I longed for self-expression and to feel empowered in my sexuality and sensuality. I could no longer bear the pain of living in a creative rut without imploding.

Dance has always been one of my passions, a place where I felt completely free and overflowing with vivacious and juicy energy. It’s one of the reasons I was called to start my Goddess Ceremonies and dedicate a big portion of those day retreats to dancing. Not just regular dancing, but intentional movement. Where different genres of music and styles of dance merge with each chakra in order to express, release and reboot our sacred energy.

In the past, dance was associated to me with being trashed, carefree and a young, naïve woman at the bar. Half dancing for myself, and half dancing for attention and validation from others. I wanted to be perceived as sexy, a man eater, a tease. In the moment I felt great, but it only ended with me feeling small- not realizing I was giving my power away to anyone who would glance my way just so I could be seen. This is why I felt uncomfortable dancing when I was at home or alone, or sober for that matter. I didn’t feel good in my skin and instead of allowing that shakti energy to flow and uncoil, I stayed stuck in my mind-ungrounded and unwilling to appreciate the embodiment practice that needed to be released.

It wasn’t until the Radiance Retreat hosted by Goddess Alyssa Kuzins, that it was all able to come together for me. All those years of journaling, reflecting, meditating, therapy, de-armoring and trying to figure out why I couldn’t just feel good in my skin finally made sense. With the combination of Goddess study, each woman was able to learn and resonate with a specific Goddess that called to them.

Kali, the ruthless woman who was the remover of obstacles and fear, she represented beginnings and endings and didn’t give a flying fuck. She was able to break me out of my prison. “May she jolt me out of my stuckness, my smallness, my staleness- and shake me into living and creating from a feeling of being turned on.” My prayer to Kali did not come unanswered as we danced and moved the energy through- allowing our bodies to process what we had just set as our new intentions. Kundalini rising within each of us- we are the epitome of Radiant Women.

Goddess Freya visited me next- the card I had initially pulled was ready to come into play, as Kali passed me on. Freya embodies an unapologetic vivaciousness. She is a warrior, bold and free- expressive of her sensuality and sexuality, adventurous and fun. She is me and I am her. “Divine Spirit, may you channel your message through me, I am here, I am ready and the time is now”. After my wild woman ran and danced through the pouring rain, she changed into her most gorgeous see-through nightie and she danced her way out. For the first time in my life I really felt my body, I was so grateful for it and all that she allowed me to do. I payed her gratitude as it finally made sense that I must move her out of love in order to get the creative juices flowing and connected to the creative ideas that Shakti births and into action where Shiva joins us. I was living in a place of smallness, not afraid of failure- for I had “failed” many times before and lived on- but afraid of succeeding. Afraid that to no longer be small and smothered meant to leave everything behind. The lack of movement in my life led me to live in fear, it led me to believe the drama in my mind- the excuses that kept me buried under the covers for fear of true expression, true healing, and truly sharing my gifts to the world- I was unable to take the small steps in the right direction because of the“bigger picture” that the hell in my mind had envisioned.

I AM A RADIANT ASS WOMAN. I AM HERE. THE TIME IS NOW. I AM UNLEASHED AND FROM THIS SACRED SPACE- I CREATE, I LIVE, I LOVE, I PLAY, I FEEL, I DANCE…I AM.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

 

shadow work: overcoming our fears

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Fear is not our enemy, but it isn’t our best friend either. Fear is like a needy and insecure younger sibling.

It took me a long time to change my perspective about fear. For the majority of my life I always sat on the sidelines and watched other people take risks and live as if they had not a care in the world. Then I went through my “experimental” phase in which I used substances to numb and cope with my fears to pretend they weren’t there. After coming out of my depression in early 2017, I went back to being scared of everything, only this time I was hyper aware of my fears so it often turned into episodes of anxiety that would last a few days, making me feel emotionally and mentally crippled.

Due to recent events, I’ve had no choice but to make radical changes in many areas of my life, especially in the emotional and mental well-being department.

This is by far not an easy or quick task. It is unquestionably part of the shadow work that many people in this world avoid or sweep under the rug. But I had had enough, and the screaming in my mind was only getting louder with my ill attempts to bury them alive.

One of the exercises that I recommend is to create a table on a Word document and list out your fears. Then add two columns, in which you mark off whether the fear is rational or irrational (seeing the fear typed out allows you to put it in perspective). The final column is called “reality” and here you’ll write out what the fear really means and the truth of it if any. Not only did this help me tremendously in realizing when I was creating stories in my head and running with them, but it also helped me to learn about myself as I figured out where the fears came from, and I was able to sometimes reveal that I was a lot more self-sufficient than I thought. Definitely a humbling boost to my confidence.

A self-care practice that I had been putting off for months was to get back into meditation. In a different post, I wrote about how I always used to pursue answers and validation outside of myself and how it led to me not trusting myself and not being able to tell the difference between my intuition, my fears or the mind games my brain liked to play. About a week ago my fears were coming at me in full force, giving me anxiety, causing me to feel emotionally unstable and on the verge of panic attacks. Beneath it all I could see in bold letters my body and soul shouting out “MEDITATE!!” Finally, I gave in to that demand and started to meditate again. I started with just a few minutes every day after my morning chanting, or in the car before work, or any other time in which I felt overwhelmed, anxious and fearful-as long as I was able to. Luckily, I used to meditate 3-4 times a day in the past, so slowing down and tuning in comes easy to me. Still, I was petrified. Most times that I meditated was because I had a specific question or fear in mind that was taunting me. I would be close to shaking as I quieted my thoughts and asked my inner being about it. I never knew what the answer was going to be, so it could have well been the exact thing I was fearing. Despite that, I knew that the only way out was through, and I needed to know these answers in order to move on and make suitable choices or changes for myself. In some cases, the trust in myself was so depleted, that I would have to meditate several times about the same fear- at last realizing what my intuition and heart’s desires were telling me along with the fear that was clouding it all and how I could overcome it. After just a couple of weeks of incorporating meditation into my day I am noticing my self-confidence, self-trust, faith, courage and inner strength improving. It makes me question why in the heck did I ever stop meditating in the first place?

Turning to your spiritual practice is another great way to help you overcome your fears. It allows you to put them into perspective as you grasp the bigger picture. It reminds us that we are so small in this world, and our “problems” are not always as bad as we imagine them to be. And if the Divine created us as perfect beings, then that means that we already have everything we need inside of us in order to be our best selves and live our best lives- and that includes the tools to persevere past our doubts. I personally made it a priority to chant during these difficult times, and even though I felt so helpless at the time, it definitely reminded me of who I am- a badass mama who is here to show up fully in this world as the greatest version of myself so that I can help others do the same.

The thing that we don’t realize about fear is that it isn’t there to bring us down or turn us into miserable, mopey victims who never go after their dreams. It is here to tell us something. It is a teacher to us, and it’s intended to show us our areas of improvement, a past trauma that we need to heal or if something in our gut doesn’t feel right. It’s important to embrace our fear, dig into it, feel it, accept it and learn to move past it. This is why we should have compassion towards ourselves when we are feeling fearful and make it a mandatory to be gentle and loving to it in order to conquer them.

Let’s make a vow together that no matter what our fears are, we will do the work necessary to master them so that we can continue on our paths to creating a legacy for ourselves.

Thank you so much for reading, please leave any questions or your own personal tips in the comments below.

 

Love always,

Mabes