how to forgive

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Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person deserving or wanting forgiveness. It is not even contingent on whether or not they apologize. Forgiving does not make you a door mat. It doesn’t mean that the other person shouldn’t face the consequences of their actions, that you don’t believe in justice or that you have to keep them in your life.

Forgiveness means that you care and love yourself too much to continue carrying the burden that it is to hold grudges and detrimental emotions. Ruminating over the same situation has never changed its outcome.

 

You can’t forgive others if you have never forgiven yourself.

Acknowledge and accept your part in the situation. Take responsibility for anything you said or did that may have contributed to the incident. You cannot make any changes from a position of shaming or blaming others.

Being under the impression that we are punishing others by clinging onto pain is foolish. The only miserable person is ourselves as we perpetuate a cycle of unnecessary suffering. We cannot change, undo or take back the past. The only person we have any control over is ourselves and the way we choose to react to others.

You do not need to have a conversation with the person in order to forgive them if you don’t feel ready to do so. This is a process that can be done completely on your own.

Meditation and visualization are great ways to help you in the forgiveness process.

Imagine yourself as a prosecutor in court. Allow yourself to fully release what you feel towards the person and what they did to you. Once you have said everything there is to say, allow them to defend themselves. This isn’t excusing their behavior, it is a way for you to see the situation through a different perspective.

Another way is to envision the person on a stage. See them looking joyful as you picture only great things happening to them. Imagine them accomplishing all of their goals and full of life and love.

I learned this next technique from Louise Hay. Visualize the offender as a child. See them feeling scared, ashamed, sad and unloved. This helps you to remember that they are human just like us, and that we are all doing what we think is the best at that moment in time with the knowledge we have and the understanding and awareness we have of that knowledge. Our behavior is learned from our environment and when we hurt others it is because we are hurting inside. All everyone wants is to feel safe and loved. This visualization prompts us to have compassion towards others, despite the way they treat us.

Affirmations are also a great way to help us forgive others. I like to use them in the kindness meditation. Sit in a quiet place, focusing on your breath without judgment. Bring yourself to stillness. When you are ready, begin to recite; “may I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I feel love, may I see light, may I be at peace.” Afterwards, say the affirmations for someone in your life whom you love, followed by a person you have neutral feelings about, and finally for the person who has hurt you.

Another option is to write a letter to the person. Let out all of your feelings towards them, making sure not to hold anything back. Once you have finished, you can rip up the letter and burn the pieces, flushing them away in the toilet. You can also take the pieces of paper to a sacred place in nature. Dig a hole in the ground and place them in the ground. Then, place either seeds or a plant on top. Finish by covering the hole with soil. Soon you will literally see your pain absorbed by mother earth and turned into something beautiful; love.

Turn to your spirituality.

In my Buddhist practice, I make sure to chant for the wisdom I need to overcome obstacles, the strength and courage to forgive myself and others, and for the love and happiness of those in my life- especially people who have hurt me. I make sure to pray to turn all poison into medicine in each of my relationships so that I may live harmoniously with myself and others. Turning to spirituality or a religion of your choosing can prove to be beneficial in the forgiveness process. It reminds us to look at the big picture, rather than having small picture thinking. This big picture thinking can help us see the reality of the situation and let us determine whether it is a big deal for us or not. Spirituality can also remind us that we are all one in this universe, and you are just as worthy of love and happiness as the person who has caused us pain. It is as if we are looking in the mirror and saying to ourselves, I am sorry or I forgive you. Sometimes when we chant or pray we ask to be pardoned for things we have done that have hurt others and our faith allows us to believe and feel we’ve been forgiven. Try to have the same faith for them.

Forgiveness can be a difficult, painful and active process. In certain cases, it can take numerous attempts before we are able to fully forgive someone. Regardless of the difficulty, it is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves that directly effects our quality of life. Feel free to seek professional help if you are having difficulty forgiving or if the action has led to any mental health concerns like PTSD or depression.

The aftermath of forgiveness.

You know that you’ve forgiven someone when they no longer trigger overwhelming emotions in you and when you aren’t irritated by everything they do “wrong.”

The next step is to determine if you want them in your life. Once you make the decision to pardon them, you are saying that you’ll leave the past in the past and want a clean slate. There is a difference between forgiving and simply sweeping something under the rug to avoid dealing with it. Ignoring your feelings will always cause them to resurface stronger and can lead to built up resentment that will deteriorate your relationship. Throwing someone’s past faults in their face every chance that you get proves us to be cowardly and a smaller person, as pettiness has never helped anyone to improve in life. Because our intentions are not loving through this behavior, we are creating bad karma for us in the future.

Sometimes after forgiving, we realize that we no longer want this person in our life. Some of us may be in a place in our lives where we choose not to tolerate or have people in our life who don’t want the best for. I know for me personally, there have been people whom have had to face the consequence of no longer being in my life, especially when their offenses are reoccurring. You may find that you only want people who have good intentions and who contribute to your happiness and that you will no longer settle for half friends or frenemies just for the sake of numbing your loneliness. This isn’t an easy decision, but it is an act of love for us in the end.

We all hurt and get hurt in life so it is not in our best interest to turn ourselves into victims because that will only result in attracting similar people and situations. To help transcend your pain into medicine, try to view the situation as a teacher. What can you learn from what happened and how can you better yourself as a result?

Be sure to take the time to fully understand and learn about the forgiveness process. I hope that reading this has helped you to feel a little lighter. Let us walk together and further our progress with a smaller load on our backs.

Please leave any comments or questions below. Let’s keep this conversation going!

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

The road to financial freedom and recovery

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My relationship with money (or lack of) has been quite the roller coaster for my entire existence. It wasn’t until I started to do self-development and learned about the law of attraction and abundance that I realized I had a very negative and unhealthy relationship with my finances and my beliefs about abundance. The truth is, that abundance and financial wealth is available to anyone who wishes to have it. But it is our deep-rooted thoughts and beliefs towards wealth that will determine the outcome. I had to do (and am still doing) a lot of work to rewrite my money story, and to learn how to develop and maintain a healthy relationship to money. I came from a family that had a fear and lack mindset towards abundance which then led me to developing a victim woe-is-me mindset. This then turned into an addiction to stealing and battling with being a shopaholic and impulsive spending. I believed that I didn’t deserve money because of my past as a teenager. I was petrified of money and the debt I had racked up. I thought that even if I did have money, then I had to spend it all immediately, leaving me with nothing. I had these subconscious beliefs surrounded by fear, shame, anxiety and guilt about money so that is exactly what I manifested, over and over, until I finally decided to put a stop to it, and so can you.

 

What is your money story?

The first step to getting your finances in order is to figure out what your money story is. How do you feel about money, what beliefs do you have and where did you pick up these beliefs from? Do you have an abundance mindset or a lack mindset? Do you hate or fear money? Do you believe that you deserve abundance? Do you think that only a specific type of person can live abundantly, but not you? Do you think that you need to step on other people’s toes in order to become financially wealthy? Dig deep inside of yourself to realize what your thoughts and feelings are towards money. What unhealthy habits do you have with money; materialism and impulsive shopping, always lending money, stealing, or refusing to ever look at your bank account? Are you afraid to add up your debts or to check your bank accounts? Meditate, journal or speak to someone you trust about whether you are using money as a coping or numbing mechanism and why you are doing so. Do you need to talk to a financial advisor, a therapist or an accountant? Decide if you need to get a second job or a new job. Come to terms with what you are doing now that needs to stop in order for you to live healthier and wealthier.

Separate your beliefs from those you’ve picked up along the way.

After figuring out your money story, it is time to remove any ideas, feelings or beliefs about money that you have picked up or learned from your environment that aren’t yours. What was your parents’ relationship to money, and are you harboring those feelings inside of you? Did you ever hear or learn that money was dirty, that rich people are bad or you have to work extremely hard to be successful and wealthy? Figure out if these beliefs are yours, from your personal experiences, or if they are something you picked up from your immediate environment. Begin to separate the two. Thank those beliefs that are not yours for coming into your life and doing their job, but that they are no longer working for you and it is time to release them.

Forgive yourself

Once you have written out and read your money story you can work on forgiving yourself. The thing about forgiveness is that you cannot forgive anyone in your life until you have completely forgiven yourself. You need to know that you have done the best that you could at that time with the knowledge you had, the understanding of that knowledge and with the awareness that you had. That time has come and gone, and you have accepted it for what it is and you know that you can now do better. It is time to know what your worth is. It is ok to let go of the past, give yourself permission to release it fully. Know that you are worthy and deserving of abundance and that it is attainable and always available to you. Know that you are not taking from others by attracting more wealth and abundance into your life. Everyone wants and needs different things in their life, no two people are asking for the same circumstances- so you need to know that you are never taking from others by wanting more for yourself. Love yourself fully and forgive yourself. Allow the tension, anxiety, fear and hatred to melt off and out of your body. It is time for a fresh new start.

What do you want money to do for you?

What do you want from money and abundance? This will be different for everyone. For me, I want to always have access to abundance- whether it is financially, or through creativity, ideas, people and opportunities. I want to never go without, and I want to always have enough money to live the way that I choose to. I don’t want to worry about living pay check to paycheck, not being able to travel or unable to experience new things, being scared of over drafting if I try to pay my bills, or always saying no to meeting with loved ones at a café. I want to be able to afford to eat organically, nutritiously, and sustainably. I want to be able to save money, and I want to eradicate all of my debt from credit cards and school loans. I want to be able to afford any trainings, education or certifications to further my knowledge and increase the success in my personal businesses. I want to own my own beautiful home. I want to help others; donating to charities and help to retire my parents.

Practice gratitude and Affirmations

Now that you know what you want, you can start to practice the power of law of attraction and being grateful. There is a saying that says “what makes you think you deserve more when you cannot appreciate what you already have.” This quote is true in so many ways. One of the reasons why I have racked up so much debt was because I was never appreciative for what I had. I was always comparing myself to others, and I always wanted more. I was never satisfied, and I used money and shopping as way to buy my love and friendships while also numbing myself emotionally. I was addicted to the rush I got from stealing and shopping-as well as the feeling of emptiness and guilt that came afterwards. It was a toxic cycle. When you practice gratitude you are telling yourself, your environment and the universe that you are happy, grateful and appreciative of what you have. You are saying, feeling and believing that you are thankful, which in turn will not only increase your happiness but will allow you to open wide and receive even more. Gratitude shows you that you don’t need to be chasing materialism or buying relationships in order to be “happy” because you have enough and are enough as is. It will also help to shift your mindset to a less is more and quality over quantity lifestyle. For me, it also helped me to realize that I was better and happier with living a minimal lifestyle, and to surround myself with only things that I truly loved- as opposed to my hoarding and materialistic lifestyle that I had in the past. I like to practice gratitude while walking. I also love the book called “The five minute journal,” as well as writing down three things I am grateful for each day on a sheet of paper or in my journal. I want to incorporate waking up and being grateful and going to bed grateful by sharing my gratitude list with my loved one. It is important to find a way that you love and that works with your specific lifestyle. Find a balance between effort and ease.

Affirmations are also a great way to help you shift your mindset into a healthier one. Believe it or not but saying or thinking things like I am always broke, I can’t afford that, or I never have money are affirmations. They are affirmations that are confirming what you fear most-lack! By shifting your perspective and thoughts- you are able to relearn helpful and healthier beliefs and change your subconscious to follow in suit. Trust me, at first it will feel corny, foreign, and even uncomfortable but the outcome will be extremely fruitful. Two of my much-loved affirmations for abundance are “money comes to me easily and frequently,” and “I am open and ready to receive.” I like to say them during my nature walks with my pup, or like a mantra during a meditation. You can also write them down over and over in your journal. One of my favorite ways is to listen to affirmations during my sleep.

Write a love letter to money

This is one of my favorite yet oddest activities to help me practice living in abundance. Write out a love letter to money. Talk about your past beliefs and issues you had with it and write about your forgiveness. Tell money that you are sorry for the way you treated and acted towards it in the past. Then start professing your love. Let money know you are ready for a fresh start, that you are worthy and deserving of abundance. Write that you are no longer scared or angry. Let it know that you will keep up with your finances daily- by checking your accounts and keeping an up to date list of your debt. Let abundance know that you are so happy, grateful and excited for the future to attain all that you wish to have.

Reap the benefits

This practice and lifestyle change is about consistency. The more you do it the stronger it will become, the more you will start to believe it and the quicker you will see it manifest.

Thank you for reading this post and I hope it gave you a new perspective and some ideas on how to help you have a healthy relationship with wealth and abundance. Be sure to leave any questions or other tips in the comments below!

 

Love always,

Mabes