What to do when a loved one is depressed

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**This post is not for dealing with someone in a bad mood or having one bad day, but rather a bout of depression or the over-extended stay of a burnout. This is my experience, I am not in any way a medical practitioner. **

 

After being in a relationship for 12 years and even having friendships just as long, I have had my share of experiences with seeing someone I care for go through a tough pro-longed period.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a therapist in any way but I do consider myself to be a professional co-dependent, meaning I have battled with codependency for 95% of my entire life, so I know exactly what not to do under these circumstances.

It is incredibly difficult to live with someone and have to witness them going through a horrible patch in their life. Many of us have the primal, very real and sub-conscious instinct to “save” people and take all their pain away. Unfortunately, we often don’t realize that the only person we can actually save and have any control over is ourselves.

I personally believe that (Insert Higher Being here)   sends us the specific situations in life that we need so that we can take a step back and learn what is necessary to grow, thus clearing out our karma so that similar situations don’t continue to haunt us. I believe that once we own up to our portion, and accept our circumstances, that we are then able to take full responsibility in the fact that only we have the power to change (for better or for worse).

What we forget is that this applies to everyone around us as well. Often, we like to try to force change and induce epiphanies in people by means of control, manipulation, ultimatums, guilt and shame or belittling. We lose patience with the people we love because they are not growing at the pace that we demand, completely forgetting that they are imperfect humans, just like ourselves.

When we try to rescue people, we’re unable to recognize that it is translating into how we don’t feel they are capable of making their own decisions, take control of their own life, and inefficient in persevering in the face of difficulty. We are also robbing them of their personal growth that is essential to becoming a better person in life.

No matter how much we may want to, we cannot force someone to be aware of what is going on inside them, we cannot read minds, we cannot heal another person’s trauma, make them forgive and let go of what burdens them or create that ‘ah-ha’ moment necessary to have an epiphany. Everyone gets to this stage at the pace that is meant for them.

By trying to take on other people’s burdens we are also doing ourselves an enormous disservice. Most people already have enough on their plate handling their own affairs. If we get into the driver’s seat of another person’s mental, emotional and spiritual well-being we can quickly begin to accumulate resentment and bitterness towards them- completely forgetting that it was never our business to begin with.

What we can do to help those around us is lead by example. By handling our own conundrums, seeking the professional help we need, and diving into the shadows of our inner beings to heal what lies beneath, can be incredibly inspiring and motivating to someone going through a similar situation. By facing our fears and micro-traumas we may be able to start the path to healing that others need to walk down.

We can be the listener in the relationship; someone who is completely present and holds space for another person to express themselves. There is no need to give advice, or try to finish their sentences or interrupt them with our own experiences and stories. Just be there for them and let them speak their truth without judgement.

We can also offer to accompany the person to the doctor’s or therapist’s office. We can go on an outdoor date with them so that they can reap the benefits of how nature can heal. If we stumble upon some useful information we can share it with them, but by no means are we going to take responsibility for them and do their work.

Lastly, I want to mention the importance that we really take care of ourselves during this time. Even if we are not trying to fix this person, it can still take a big toll on our own well-being. It is essential that we prioritize our self-care through diet, being in nature, journaling, maintaining faith in ourselves and through our spiritual practice and cleansing ourselves of any dark energies.

I know the feeling all too well of what its like to be depressed, in an un-shakeable rut and in the middle of grieving through pent up traumas. Let us use our experiences to shine our light in the midst of someone else’s darkness so that they too can conquer their shadows.

 

Love always,

Mabes

The Art of Letting Go

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Letting go is not easy. Often it is the people or situations that we need to release the most that we are clinging to for dear life.

I am in the middle of this process myself. After doing plenty of inner work I’ve realized that my lack of self-love and self-worth has led me to desperately hold onto what has long passed its expiration date for the sake of having someone and feeling something versus being alone and having “nothing.”

What we don’t realize is that we are doing everyone a disservice. We have such a tight grasp due to our subconscious and deeply rooted beliefs about ourselves, and in doing so we are telling the Universe that this what we deserve. We are telling the Divine that we want more of the drama, more of the suffering and more of a low-quality life, continuing the cycle. Then we play the victim and blame everyone around us for our misfortunes, when in reality, the only way out is to take full responsibility for ourselves and for the state we are in that is manifesting these types of circumstances.

After years of toxic friendships, I have grown to realize that the way I was thinking and behaving was causing me to attract these people into my life. Because I feared feeling lonely, I held onto these people for years. By constantly telling myself that all women were the same and I could only be friends with males caused me to get just that- no solid group of female friends, something my soul deeply craved. I never felt safe to open up and be vulnerable enough to take off my mask and reveal my true self. This lead to surface level connections because I thought I had to compete and compare myself to others. By picking up other people’s baggage and beliefs about friends being catty and untrustworthy I too became engulfed by drama and betrayal. By not believing in myself, I became friends with people who also felt hopeless, settled in life and didn’t think it was possible to accomplish their dream goals. I believe that we are the average of the 5 people we surround ourselves with, and I now choose to only be surrounded by loving, inspiring, goal getters who are beautiful inside and out. My authentic tribe.

It wasn’t until I decided to take my life into my own hands and rewire my beliefs that I was able to start attracting wonderful female friends, rekindle and heal old friendships and meet like-minded soul sisters. I’ve learned that I get what I put out into this world and if I behave one way towards others than I will also receive the same treatment. I am slowly learning to live in a state of love and give that to my friends as opposed to the hurt and pain from before. The last piece of the puzzle for me is to learn how to gracefully release those relationships that I no longer need in my life. I am working on having gratitude for the relationship and everything that it taught me, forgiving myself and the other person and letting go, sending them off with all the love and happiness that we all deserve.

May they be happy, may they be safe, may they be healthy, may they feel love, may they see light, may they heal and be at peace.

 

Love always,

Mabes