Healing from Sexual Trauma: Part 2- Unleashed

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I move my precious body as one of my favorite songs plays. All alone in the sacred space I have created I am encouraged to remove my clothing. The freedom of being in my own skin as I intuitively dance to the music. As the climax of the song approaches, I am brought to tears, I feel the front and back of my heart opening as I move and cry all at once. I am filled with joy and sadness, and pure bliss. I release it all in my movement. From this place of turn on- I am ready to create.

It’s taken a long time for me to come to this place. Knowing very well that my sexuality, sensuality and creativity were all interconnected in the same place in my body- the sacral chakra; the womb space that is meant for creating and giving birth to life. How could I possibly tap into this abundant space that connects me straight to God when I felt so small, so shriveled up, so stale and stuck and dry? Even after healing my sexual trauma I was still left with the scattered pieces. Feelings of unworthiness, self-hate that caused me to become insecure in myself and create false body image beliefs. I was making myself small even though I craved to be seen- I longed for self-expression and to feel empowered in my sexuality and sensuality. I could no longer bear the pain of living in a creative rut without imploding.

Dance has always been one of my passions, a place where I felt completely free and overflowing with vivacious and juicy energy. It’s one of the reasons I was called to start my Goddess Ceremonies and dedicate a big portion of those day retreats to dancing. Not just regular dancing, but intentional movement. Where different genres of music and styles of dance merge with each chakra in order to express, release and reboot our sacred energy.

In the past, dance was associated to me with being trashed, carefree and a young, naïve woman at the bar. Half dancing for myself, and half dancing for attention and validation from others. I wanted to be perceived as sexy, a man eater, a tease. In the moment I felt great, but it only ended with me feeling small- not realizing I was giving my power away to anyone who would glance my way just so I could be seen. This is why I felt uncomfortable dancing when I was at home or alone, or sober for that matter. I didn’t feel good in my skin and instead of allowing that shakti energy to flow and uncoil, I stayed stuck in my mind-ungrounded and unwilling to appreciate the embodiment practice that needed to be released.

It wasn’t until the Radiance Retreat hosted by Goddess Alyssa Kuzins, that it was all able to come together for me. All those years of journaling, reflecting, meditating, therapy, de-armoring and trying to figure out why I couldn’t just feel good in my skin finally made sense. With the combination of Goddess study, each woman was able to learn and resonate with a specific Goddess that called to them.

Kali, the ruthless woman who was the remover of obstacles and fear, she represented beginnings and endings and didn’t give a flying fuck. She was able to break me out of my prison. “May she jolt me out of my stuckness, my smallness, my staleness- and shake me into living and creating from a feeling of being turned on.” My prayer to Kali did not come unanswered as we danced and moved the energy through- allowing our bodies to process what we had just set as our new intentions. Kundalini rising within each of us- we are the epitome of Radiant Women.

Goddess Freya visited me next- the card I had initially pulled was ready to come into play, as Kali passed me on. Freya embodies an unapologetic vivaciousness. She is a warrior, bold and free- expressive of her sensuality and sexuality, adventurous and fun. She is me and I am her. “Divine Spirit, may you channel your message through me, I am here, I am ready and the time is now”. After my wild woman ran and danced through the pouring rain, she changed into her most gorgeous see-through nightie and she danced her way out. For the first time in my life I really felt my body, I was so grateful for it and all that she allowed me to do. I payed her gratitude as it finally made sense that I must move her out of love in order to get the creative juices flowing and connected to the creative ideas that Shakti births and into action where Shiva joins us. I was living in a place of smallness, not afraid of failure- for I had “failed” many times before and lived on- but afraid of succeeding. Afraid that to no longer be small and smothered meant to leave everything behind. The lack of movement in my life led me to live in fear, it led me to believe the drama in my mind- the excuses that kept me buried under the covers for fear of true expression, true healing, and truly sharing my gifts to the world- I was unable to take the small steps in the right direction because of the“bigger picture” that the hell in my mind had envisioned.

I AM A RADIANT ASS WOMAN. I AM HERE. THE TIME IS NOW. I AM UNLEASHED AND FROM THIS SACRED SPACE- I CREATE, I LIVE, I LOVE, I PLAY, I FEEL, I DANCE…I AM.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

 

My Codependent Valentine

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It is the day before Valentine’s day, and what better way to show my appreciation than with a story time about relationships.

As many of you may know, heard or read, I have struggled for the past two decades with being in severely codependent relationships of all kinds. It has been one of the biggest obstacles I’ve created for myself that kept me away from self-love and from having an unshakable foundation rooted in joy.

Let me begin with my definition of co-dependency. What I find to be true is that it means when a person takes on the responsibility of another person’s life through different means, for example: manipulation, control or blame and shaming and thus completely neglects their own life. What I find is that a codependent person forcefully tries to take the steering wheel of life away from another person. What we don’t realize is that even if we have good intentions to “save” or “help” them, we are communicating that we don’t believe they can take control of their own lives, that they shouldn’t be responsible for themselves and that they are incapable of healing and growing on their own. We are literally taking away the opportunity for this person to be able to reach their own epiphanies and learn the lessons from their specific circumstances that leads to growth and becoming the best version of themselves. We are taking away the shadow work that is so valuable for each person to do.

Codependents often find themselves in a vicious cycle with these relationships. They try to “fix” someone, that person is uninterested in their “help” and rejects them, the codependent person lashes out in anger and the other person rebels against them leaving the codependent feeling “used” and “taken advantage of” once again- not realizing that it was none of their business in the first place.

For as long as I can remember I involved myself emotionally, even physically, in the lives of others- taking it extremely personally when they rejected my advice and ultimatums. The more I pushed and shoved my way in, the more people backed away from me. I was also unable to realize the amount of resentment I built up against the people I loved for not changing into who I believed they should be and when they needed to do it. The feeling was mutual of course, my loved ones bottled up more and more anger towards me until we would both explode, creating long-lasting effects that caused our relationships to crumble.

It wasn’t until I was left on my own by my partner and my friendships fell apart that I realized I was suffering from deeply rooted codependency. Through lots of research, reading and reflection I figured out that the only person I had any control over and should assume responsibility over was myself- and I had not been doing that in any way shape or form. As a codependent I was quick to succumb to feeling like a victim and even paraded my victim mentality around town, playing the sad girl woe-is-me card to anyone who would listen- and even to people who didn’t want to! I thought so poorly of myself that I was using the distraction of other people’s problems as a way to avoid facing my own darkness. I had absolutely no sense of self-love, and had placed all of my self-worth in the hands of other people’s approval. Because I had taken control of other people’s lives (or tried to), I believed that other people were responsible for me and my happiness. I didn’t know how to trust myself and always sought for answers externally. I thought that others had to change in order for me to feel love and joy. Man am I glad that I was wrong!

It took my separation for me to finally have no choice but to look at my life- all of it- and plunge head first into the darkness that we call our shadows. I had to literally use all of my will power to move my focus from my partner and even healing for the benefit of our relationship to just myself. I had to accept that I had inherited and experienced trauma, limiting beliefs and god knows what else that had caused me to become the way that I was. And thus, the shadow work began.

I feel like codependency can be like an addiction, especially if we’ve been that way for the majority of our lives so it makes sense that I have relapses every now and then. I have to remember to have compassion for myself, take a step back and take inventory of how I am feeling, behaving and what my intentions are. I remind myself in these moments that I am here to help, inspire and guide those around me, but that it is their responsibility to do the work. I try to remember to have compassion for them when I get angry or frustrated- because I too was once in their position so who am I to judge? We can only make changes when the necessary clicks in our brains have been made and when we are ready to do so. All I can do is bring the focus back to myself and offer my love and support- holding space for their growth.

 

 

Thank you for reading my post today. I wish you all a very happy Valentine’s Day, please remember to take the necessary steps to love yourself on this day and every day after. For those of you lovelies who attended my Valentine’s Self-Love Goddess Ceremony, don’t forget to give yourself your card and read the beautiful letter to yourself!

 

Love always,

Mabes