what if

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What if? What if it never works out? What if we run out of money? What if nobody supports us? What if we can’t do it? What if we can? What if he leaves? What if I can never do it on my own? What if…what if... what if…

The anxiety of overthinking that comes with the fear of abandonment is relentless, there’s no other like it. The fact that you fear you can’t make it with someone’s help bleeds into the fear of not succeeding without them. The result is always the same because of the core root belief that you don’t deserve any of it in the first place. The person being the crutch or tool, to keep you frozen in time- snuggled in your hole of immobility, holding onto every bit of warmth and comfort that safety seemingly provides you.

But why are we carrying this in the first place? What was the trauma or micro traumas that resulted in this auto-response of always making ourselves small? Is it because the more we squash ourselves-our light, down, the more we’ll go by unnoticed by our parent, so they won’t have to leave us? Is it because we fear that we are incapable of supporting ourselves, so we latch onto whom or whatever we choose, to be our 24-hours, on-call liability? Are we trying to make someone else accountable of our lives so as to never have to take responsibility for ourselves; our actions (or lack of), and where we take ourselves in this lifetime? Are we refusing to acknowledge that deep down we feel responsible for everyone’s choice to leave us? Is that the curtain that hides our resistance to recognize that another person decided to abandon us? May that be why we build ourselves a prison-like shelter of blame and shame to keep us out of the heavy rains of unworthiness that pour over us? Perhaps it’s a combination of it all- I am most certain it is.

A method that works for me is creating my charts; what emotion arises from this thought/situation and where do I feel it in my body? When was the first time I felt this way that I can remember (don’t overthink it)? What am I afraid of, and furthermore, what is the possible subconscious fear that resides beneath it all? What is the truth of the situation and any sensible outcomes? What can I do to heal this, and what do I need in this moment? The slow and mindful dissection of each situation paves the way to revealing the micro-traumas beneath it all making it the motivator to accept, love and release it.

Other times, all you can do is stay afloat as the waves of fear wash over you- honoring its existence and allowing yourself to be present in the emotions and thoughts as they arise- working to become unattached to what surfaces. Accepting that sometimes we fall backwards even after taking steps forward.

I believe it to be important that we always visit our inner child. Talk to her, forgive her, console her, play with her, teach her the lessons that you once were unable to, and not ready for, as her guide. Reassure her that while good and bad feedback is part of the process, it is nothing to fasten onto and correlate our worthiness to or what we are deserving of. Having unconditional compassion for the universe that is part of us can only occur from giving compassion towards ourselves first.

When we willingly visit the shadows, we are gifting ourselves with the courage, strength and will power to unravel it all. What we don’t realize is that when we are in the depths of despair, we are mining through what we think is rubbish- only to revealing it was a diamond all along. Diamonds provide us with the ‘ah-ha’ epiphany inducing moments that help us piece together in order to work as the catalyst that propels us further down the unimaginable path of healing and growth.

It’s not about the other person-it never was. People and things are the mere distractions we pick to enable us in avoiding the fact that life is what we make of it. We are not entitled to someone creating the perfect life for us- we have to get off our ass and make it happen for ourselves! We are all worthy, we are all deserving. But most importantly, we all have the capability within us to get it. The more we do the work to get there- the quicker we will be able to enjoy the serendipitous events that occur to bring our dreams to life- the same ones we thought we could never accomplish.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

 

 

shadow work: overcoming our fears

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Fear is not our enemy, but it isn’t our best friend either. Fear is like a needy and insecure younger sibling.

It took me a long time to change my perspective about fear. For the majority of my life I always sat on the sidelines and watched other people take risks and live as if they had not a care in the world. Then I went through my “experimental” phase in which I used substances to numb and cope with my fears to pretend they weren’t there. After coming out of my depression in early 2017, I went back to being scared of everything, only this time I was hyper aware of my fears so it often turned into episodes of anxiety that would last a few days, making me feel emotionally and mentally crippled.

Due to recent events, I’ve had no choice but to make radical changes in many areas of my life, especially in the emotional and mental well-being department.

This is by far not an easy or quick task. It is unquestionably part of the shadow work that many people in this world avoid or sweep under the rug. But I had had enough, and the screaming in my mind was only getting louder with my ill attempts to bury them alive.

One of the exercises that I recommend is to create a table on a Word document and list out your fears. Then add two columns, in which you mark off whether the fear is rational or irrational (seeing the fear typed out allows you to put it in perspective). The final column is called “reality” and here you’ll write out what the fear really means and the truth of it if any. Not only did this help me tremendously in realizing when I was creating stories in my head and running with them, but it also helped me to learn about myself as I figured out where the fears came from, and I was able to sometimes reveal that I was a lot more self-sufficient than I thought. Definitely a humbling boost to my confidence.

A self-care practice that I had been putting off for months was to get back into meditation. In a different post, I wrote about how I always used to pursue answers and validation outside of myself and how it led to me not trusting myself and not being able to tell the difference between my intuition, my fears or the mind games my brain liked to play. About a week ago my fears were coming at me in full force, giving me anxiety, causing me to feel emotionally unstable and on the verge of panic attacks. Beneath it all I could see in bold letters my body and soul shouting out “MEDITATE!!” Finally, I gave in to that demand and started to meditate again. I started with just a few minutes every day after my morning chanting, or in the car before work, or any other time in which I felt overwhelmed, anxious and fearful-as long as I was able to. Luckily, I used to meditate 3-4 times a day in the past, so slowing down and tuning in comes easy to me. Still, I was petrified. Most times that I meditated was because I had a specific question or fear in mind that was taunting me. I would be close to shaking as I quieted my thoughts and asked my inner being about it. I never knew what the answer was going to be, so it could have well been the exact thing I was fearing. Despite that, I knew that the only way out was through, and I needed to know these answers in order to move on and make suitable choices or changes for myself. In some cases, the trust in myself was so depleted, that I would have to meditate several times about the same fear- at last realizing what my intuition and heart’s desires were telling me along with the fear that was clouding it all and how I could overcome it. After just a couple of weeks of incorporating meditation into my day I am noticing my self-confidence, self-trust, faith, courage and inner strength improving. It makes me question why in the heck did I ever stop meditating in the first place?

Turning to your spiritual practice is another great way to help you overcome your fears. It allows you to put them into perspective as you grasp the bigger picture. It reminds us that we are so small in this world, and our “problems” are not always as bad as we imagine them to be. And if the Divine created us as perfect beings, then that means that we already have everything we need inside of us in order to be our best selves and live our best lives- and that includes the tools to persevere past our doubts. I personally made it a priority to chant during these difficult times, and even though I felt so helpless at the time, it definitely reminded me of who I am- a badass mama who is here to show up fully in this world as the greatest version of myself so that I can help others do the same.

The thing that we don’t realize about fear is that it isn’t there to bring us down or turn us into miserable, mopey victims who never go after their dreams. It is here to tell us something. It is a teacher to us, and it’s intended to show us our areas of improvement, a past trauma that we need to heal or if something in our gut doesn’t feel right. It’s important to embrace our fear, dig into it, feel it, accept it and learn to move past it. This is why we should have compassion towards ourselves when we are feeling fearful and make it a mandatory to be gentle and loving to it in order to conquer them.

Let’s make a vow together that no matter what our fears are, we will do the work necessary to master them so that we can continue on our paths to creating a legacy for ourselves.

Thank you so much for reading, please leave any questions or your own personal tips in the comments below.

 

Love always,

Mabes