shadow work: healing my inner child

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I was sitting in the corner balled up, just watching. I can’t remember if I was frozen in my tracks or if I was an emotional wreck. I must’ve been about 5 years old and I just felt like my whole world was falling apart. I don’t know the specific reason for them fighting this time around, all I could focus on was that my dad was leaving and I was petrified.

“Everything is going to be ok. You are safe. I will never abandon you. I love you.” Fast forward to 23 years later- and it wasn’t until now that I realized the reason my immense fear of being alone had taunted me, like a ghost, for so long. I was in the middle of meditating when once again I was feeling uneasy, like something was wrong in my life. No matter how many times I tried to focus in on the feeling and asked my inner guidance for the answers I never was able to figure it out. I knew it wasn’t that I was with the wrong person, or that something else was going on in my career. I was sure of my path and the person I was becoming and whom I chose to have in my life, but no matter what I did or tried, I couldn’t shake the fear I felt in my chest or the way it seemed to grow, turning into an ache in my back. It made me question and even doubt many of my decisions.

On this particular day I just asked for the universe to send me the answers I needed, trusting and having faith that it would come. I allowed myself to observe my uneasy emotions without trying to make it go away, I honored them. The following day I awoke from a much-needed nap and the first thought I had, seeping through the grogginess of waking up and not knowing what happened, was that I needed to heal my inner child and something about me in the experience I described above. So, without much thought I searched on Youtube “healing inner child so I can heal my relationship.” The video that I was drawn to was one about healing the inner child’s fear of abandonment. Something clicked.

I watched the video and did as instructed. It took me to this specific memory of me as a child where I truly believed that I was unloved and was going to be abandoned. Then it had me come back as an adult and notice all the ways that I was abandoning myself now, and how I was putting the expectations and responsibility of loving myself and always being there for me in the hands of other people. The meditation proved to be powerful for me as well as extremely difficult, and it initially left me in my feelings and with a heaviness in my chest. It was like when I first took a Yin Yoga class and I went so deep in a pose that I felt a popping sensation in my chest and an immense need to burst into tears-which I somehow refrained from doing.

On my commute to work today I listened to more videos about healing and how our inner child’s wounds effect our current relationships. As I was in the classroom, I was putting a child to sleep and I imagined she was a younger me, and I just repeated in my head that I would never abandon her as I helped her fall asleep. I knew I had the epiphany I needed to help me heal the root of the problem and I am determined to do the work. I left that child overcome with compassion and sense of inner peace I had only felt in the past when I would heal something traumatic.

I know the work has just begun, but I am extremely grateful to have discovered this wound and I am ready to heal it. I’ve spent a lot of time always fearing being left, looking for holes in my relationship and trying to prove why someone didn’t love me. I didn’t know it then, but I was using these defense mechanisms to try to avoid the pain of being abandoned- if I left first or if I was prepared for a break up then perhaps it wouldn’t hurt as bad. Of course, this only proved to bring me more experiences and people who ended up leaving me, and it made sense. How could I expect someone to be committed if I wasn’t even devoted to loving myself?

I know that this shadow work is going to lead me to freedom, and the ability to finally treating myself and being treated by others from a place of unconditional love. I know that its ok to be happy, that I am safe with myself, and that I don’t need to spend my time trying to prove my relationships of being too good to be true. Life will always have its ups and downs but never again will I abandon myself.

 

Love always,

Mabes

 

shadow work: overcoming our fears

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Fear is not our enemy, but it isn’t our best friend either. Fear is like a needy and insecure younger sibling.

It took me a long time to change my perspective about fear. For the majority of my life I always sat on the sidelines and watched other people take risks and live as if they had not a care in the world. Then I went through my “experimental” phase in which I used substances to numb and cope with my fears to pretend they weren’t there. After coming out of my depression in early 2017, I went back to being scared of everything, only this time I was hyper aware of my fears so it often turned into episodes of anxiety that would last a few days, making me feel emotionally and mentally crippled.

Due to recent events, I’ve had no choice but to make radical changes in many areas of my life, especially in the emotional and mental well-being department.

This is by far not an easy or quick task. It is unquestionably part of the shadow work that many people in this world avoid or sweep under the rug. But I had had enough, and the screaming in my mind was only getting louder with my ill attempts to bury them alive.

One of the exercises that I recommend is to create a table on a Word document and list out your fears. Then add two columns, in which you mark off whether the fear is rational or irrational (seeing the fear typed out allows you to put it in perspective). The final column is called “reality” and here you’ll write out what the fear really means and the truth of it if any. Not only did this help me tremendously in realizing when I was creating stories in my head and running with them, but it also helped me to learn about myself as I figured out where the fears came from, and I was able to sometimes reveal that I was a lot more self-sufficient than I thought. Definitely a humbling boost to my confidence.

A self-care practice that I had been putting off for months was to get back into meditation. In a different post, I wrote about how I always used to pursue answers and validation outside of myself and how it led to me not trusting myself and not being able to tell the difference between my intuition, my fears or the mind games my brain liked to play. About a week ago my fears were coming at me in full force, giving me anxiety, causing me to feel emotionally unstable and on the verge of panic attacks. Beneath it all I could see in bold letters my body and soul shouting out “MEDITATE!!” Finally, I gave in to that demand and started to meditate again. I started with just a few minutes every day after my morning chanting, or in the car before work, or any other time in which I felt overwhelmed, anxious and fearful-as long as I was able to. Luckily, I used to meditate 3-4 times a day in the past, so slowing down and tuning in comes easy to me. Still, I was petrified. Most times that I meditated was because I had a specific question or fear in mind that was taunting me. I would be close to shaking as I quieted my thoughts and asked my inner being about it. I never knew what the answer was going to be, so it could have well been the exact thing I was fearing. Despite that, I knew that the only way out was through, and I needed to know these answers in order to move on and make suitable choices or changes for myself. In some cases, the trust in myself was so depleted, that I would have to meditate several times about the same fear- at last realizing what my intuition and heart’s desires were telling me along with the fear that was clouding it all and how I could overcome it. After just a couple of weeks of incorporating meditation into my day I am noticing my self-confidence, self-trust, faith, courage and inner strength improving. It makes me question why in the heck did I ever stop meditating in the first place?

Turning to your spiritual practice is another great way to help you overcome your fears. It allows you to put them into perspective as you grasp the bigger picture. It reminds us that we are so small in this world, and our “problems” are not always as bad as we imagine them to be. And if the Divine created us as perfect beings, then that means that we already have everything we need inside of us in order to be our best selves and live our best lives- and that includes the tools to persevere past our doubts. I personally made it a priority to chant during these difficult times, and even though I felt so helpless at the time, it definitely reminded me of who I am- a badass mama who is here to show up fully in this world as the greatest version of myself so that I can help others do the same.

The thing that we don’t realize about fear is that it isn’t there to bring us down or turn us into miserable, mopey victims who never go after their dreams. It is here to tell us something. It is a teacher to us, and it’s intended to show us our areas of improvement, a past trauma that we need to heal or if something in our gut doesn’t feel right. It’s important to embrace our fear, dig into it, feel it, accept it and learn to move past it. This is why we should have compassion towards ourselves when we are feeling fearful and make it a mandatory to be gentle and loving to it in order to conquer them.

Let’s make a vow together that no matter what our fears are, we will do the work necessary to master them so that we can continue on our paths to creating a legacy for ourselves.

Thank you so much for reading, please leave any questions or your own personal tips in the comments below.

 

Love always,

Mabes