my wings

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You never know the weight and the hold that something had on you until it’s gone.

If you would have asked me a few years ago, a month ago, shit even a few days ago, my skin would’ve crawled with all the heebees and the jeebees at the idea of being non-monogamous. I was so full of insecurity, doubts, limiting beliefs and society’s expectations of what love was, who to have it with, and what it had to look like, that I was incapable of believing there were other ways to live.

Coming from a past of sexual shame, fear and guilt, I never would have thought that the way to my healing was through sexual freedom. I had so much unresolved pain and trauma around sex that I would always ignore that part of me that wanted more than one person- the trigger being too much to bear.

I fell in love with my fiancé at a young age, we were both kids and lord did we not know what we were getting into. It was a very bumpy and painful ride throughout our time together, but we kept on saying yes because it was the absolute necessary catalyst that we needed in order to start our healing journeys.

Even through our ups and downs my attraction to others never subsided, making me question my relationship, my own intentions and who I was as a person. I had convinced myself that I was bad and that I would get my karma in return. I even tried to make myself believe that I just wasn’t a sexual person. I was so happy when I got engaged, and yet, as the time went on, I couldn’t help but notice that something was still missing. Now, I’ve been doing shadow work for years now so it wasn’t my own sense of emptiness or longing to feel loved that I felt. It was more of an itch that I couldn’t scratch, a feeling that I was holding myself back in some way and that I wasn’t being true to myself.

After years of making fucked up and selfish choices I knew I never wanted to have an affair or cheat again. I made a commitment that felt right to me and I was going to give it my all. As time went on, my sexual desires at home plummeted, and yet, when I was out of the house, I felt invigorated and fully awake from my intense sexual desires towards other people.

Thoughts of being in an open relationship kept popping in my mind, keeping me up at night or waking me up early in the morning. I started thinking about it more often, and the idea of it kept showing up in different ways in our lives. I would make jokes about it to the people around me, knowing very well that I was dead serious.

My epiphany moment came when I played a podcast episode during my commute. The now engaged couple spoke about how being in an open relationship had allowed them to heal deeply rooted insecurities, subconscious beliefs and closed-minded ideas about love and relationships. They talked about how it forced them to look deep inside the darkness of themselves, and transcend that into light. It allowed them to feel true universal love, and fully experience the abundance of love.

We looked at each other and something clicked, sparks flew, fireworks went off, the universe was screaming. Everything they spoke about was triggering us in a good way and forced us to take a look at what we both really needed in a way that allowed us to be true to ourselves and each other. The love I feel for him is unique and can never be replaced by anyone else because there is only one him. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that loving multiple people does not take love away from one or the other; love is limitless. For the first time in my life I feel so safe, stable, grounded and free all at the same time within myself and my relationship. I cannot believe I get to marry such an amazing, loving man who can honor me as a person and what I need. He gave me my wings, and I will always fly back home.

 

 

my path to healing trauma


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Trauma happens to all of us, it can be something tragic that occurs when we are children, or a series of micro-traumas throughout our life. We accumulate trauma in our body and it effects our mental, emotional and physical bodies in a harmful way unless we go about healing.  As an almost 30-year-old, I have had my share of life-altering events and micro-traumas. While I began to learn about self-development early in life, it took me well into my 20’s to become aware of all the underlying trauma that was living inside me. The desperation I felt in 2016 when I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, anxiety and panic attacks was enough to make me not walk, but run towards healing.

Choosing to heal means taking full responsibility for ourselves and our lives. It means we will not be playing the victim or choosing to pity ourselves and stay miserable just because of our past experiences. It means that only we can make the choice to heal or be a victim. I feel that when we don’t heal ourselves, that we continue to attract situations, and people into our life that reflect our subconscious beliefs and fears. Below are some of the different things that proved successful for me and that I am still doing today.

Therapy is something that thankfully worked out for me with the first person I made an appointment with. My therapist was so full of compassion and just as passionate about self-development, spirituality and the power of our mind as I was. She was the one who was able to shake me into awakening with her words to the fact that I had been telling myself stories, and allowing them to subconsciously bring me down for 20 years. If it wasn’t for her, I’m not sure I would have ever told my parents about my childhood trauma- something that literally and uncontrollably flew out of my mouth the minute I left the building. She helped me to figure out that I was harboring so much guilt and shame towards myself and it was causing me to hold myself back in many ways. With each session, she was able to catapult me into the direction of healing and developing myself into a better woman. I will forever be grateful for her.

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved to research the things that I am passionate about. While I was far from thrilled about my mental and emotional instability, I was still able to find within my darkness, the fire I needed to learn all I could about my depression and the symptoms and feelings that I felt. I quickly began reading through dozens of articles on holistic healing, watching videos about curing panic attacks and anxiety, put together my symptoms to be able to give a name to what I was feeling (co-dependency and de-personalization), listening to podcasts with self-development experts, doctors and spiritual teachers, and reading endless books. I was in such a dark place that I was out of work for over a month, and I was unable to be alone. Everything that was occurring was so overwhelming but the thought of not trying to heal, forever doomed, scared the shit out of me so that my number one priority was to get better.

Journaling has always been one of my stress relieving outlets since I was a child. As a teen I stopped writing and it was my depression that got me back into journaling and even what gave me the courage to start my blog. I know now that for a long time my throat chakra was blocked up. I was petrified of speaking in front of people and it was even part of the reason why I dropped out of University (the first time). When I would speak, everything that came out was filled with anger and fear, I was unable to talk without hurting those around me. Writing is what allowed me to express myself and learn to communicate in a healthy manner. When it comes to blogging, it is the tool I use to voice my truth so that I let it out of my body, and as a way to bring awareness to my readers.

Writing was also what helped me to create self-developmental “charts” for myself where I could work through all of my spiritual, emotional and mental blocks. I created tables for figuring out boundaries for myself, the fears I felt in my relationship and how to work through my emotions in a way that validated what I felt and helped me to look underneath to reveal the subconscious fears and needs that my body was trying to tell me. It was how I was able to learn to face my extremely uncomfortable emotions head-on so that I was able to feel them and find the root cause behind it. Each time I did this I felt the relief of the heaviness lift off me that had been weighing over me for so long that it felt normal.

I began meditation in 2013 when my mother was diagnosed with stage 3 &1/2 breast cancer and thyroid cancer. It was my brother who acted as a catalyst when he taught our family about the power of our thoughts. With this knowledge I went full-force into spirituality and self-development. Meditating is what I truly believe got me through those tough years at home and in a job that was unfulfilling. I meditated every chance I could, sometimes up to 4 times a day. These were also the last years of my partying phase. When I was younger, I used drinking and drugs as a coping mechanism to numb out my feelings. I can truly say I was just floating through life without a purpose or care for anything or anyone around me, including myself. Maybe it was the psychedelics or the hours dedicated to meditating and opening my chakras that has now led to my hyper-awareness. After the depression it was like a life-long curtain was lifted from my whole being- it made me think that I was possibly depressed my entire life and I was now able to see it. Regardless, it caused me to become so hyper aware of everything around me; the people I surrounded myself with, how I behaved, but most importantly, my emotions. What was so easy to numb before was the complete opposite now. It was like each fear, thought and emotion came with a big red sign, horns and flashing lights. At first this shook me to the core, it made me feel completely ungrounded and even crazy. But deep down I knew I was experiencing some type of shift inside and that as petrifying as it was to face my fears and emotions, I knew I had to do it if I wanted to survive and live a healthy and stable life. I knew that I could not live with myself if later in life I had a family and passed down all of my trauma and subconscious beliefs, knowing now that I have a choice to heal and I chose not to.

Each time I felt overwhelmed, anxious or hopeless I knew in my core that the way out was to go through it in meditation. It was extremely difficult and painful most times, but I knew It was my way to healing. Now meditation acts as a way for me to reflect on myself and is part of my grounding practice in my morning routine. Sometimes for days, even weeks, I stop meditating, but I always come back to it. I know when I do it, I am home.

Healing the inner child was something I had heard about vaguely in the numerous self-help books, podcasts and books I read. At first glance it sounded ridiculous but after the idea kept popping into my head at random times, I knew I needed to at least give it a chance. What I like to do is meditate and use visualization as a way to bring myself back to each traumatic event (yes, that means purposely reliving it again), and watching it like an outsider. Then I go to the younger version of myself in the visualization and I just hold them, love them and console them. It is what gives me the epiphany I need to connect the event with a subconscious belief or fear that I’ve been holding onto my whole life so that I can finally heal and let it go. I’ve done healing inner child meditations using guided videos the first time, but after that, I was able to do it on my own. I’ve been able to “go back in time” and heal fears around finances, relationships, family life and even my sexual trauma. As an adult we experience triggers and many times we have no clue why. Instead of running away from or avoiding the trigger, or even blaming others, what I believe is the most beneficial is to find the root of the trigger and heal it. I know I don’t want to be running for the rest of my life avoiding people or situations. While it can be very difficult to willingly revisit traumatic times, it has the most profound and life-altering effect and I highly recommend it.

Doing shadow work and healing from trauma is never an easy thing and it has no quick fix. But you will never regret having the courage to heal from the past. After I overcame my big depression, I was able to have so much gratitude for it. Now when I experience difficult times, I can recall on how strong I was to overcome my trauma so that I know in my heart that I can overcome anything.

Thank you all for reading this, please reach out if you have any questions or experiences you would like to share. I am not a medical professional so be sure to find help if you need it.

 

Love always,

Mabes