It’s been an endless month of repressed emotional eruption. Opportunities not working out, feeling empty and stuck in life. Unsturdy foundations coming down in shambles as the trauma from childhood resurfaces because your elder parents are separating. Just knowing that deep inside what I had refused to look at had finally caught up with me.
It’s so easy to react and make yourself the victim when things don’t go your way- regardless of how good your intentions were. Then the victim mentality turns into wallowing and focusing on dissatisfaction, which leads to anger and resentment at the mere sight of joy in others. The emptiness inside becomes so vast and deep that it seeps into all areas of your life where you constantly project your inner turmoil on the world.
I had to sit down today- forcing myself to remove all of my escape mechanisms and finally air it all out. The difficult and uncomfortable sharpness that comes from admitting your own faults and how easy it is to run down the old and familiar path of negativity. Becoming so “tunnel-visioned” that you don’t even care about the effect it has on others- refusing to acknowledge that I was a human repellent to all things good. The idea that I am “bathing in dirty water” is something that is quick to remind me to check myself- but it wasn’t enough to get me to stop the all too familiar and self-deprecating habits.
A month of self-torture was inevitably leading to my own conscious depression. The tiny flame in me fighting for the oxygen to grow inside of empty darkness.
I’m grateful to be a shadow worker because it is the exact tool I need for the vital reality check my soul is screaming for. I was able to let it flow out of me with out the need to dissect it with over analyzation. Not wanting to change or fix it-but let it be so I can truly recognize where it was rooting from. I am able to remember my purpose; to heal and end negative cycles in my family, to help others to heal and thrive in all areas of their life, to make for a slightly smoother ride with slightly less suffering for my future family and to inspire with what I am able to create for the world. Only I am responsible for my life, my joy and what I choose to make of myself. Only I can choose to commit day after day to showing up as the best version of myself in that moment. Only I can break the harmful cycles that run deep in my blood. Only I can choose to stop bathing in dirty water.