Green Eyes

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My heart pounded at what seemed miles per second as I sped down the street in my mother’s car- I could care less about the changing stop lights. The only purpose I had was to get to his house and see if he was home. I could feel my face so hot with tears as the fiery rage of jealousy coursed through my veins- I focused on the anger so I didn’t have to feel the ache of loneliness.

Jealousy was always a problem that would rear its head as often as it could- regardless of the person and whether or not it was rational. It was something I tried to control through the means of controlling others- so needless to say it took me down a long dark road for years until I was finally willing to look it in the face and see it for what it was.

The peeling of the onion layers was just as painful, if not more, than the actual jealousy itself. It forced me to see the deep insecurity within myself. It led me to discover the deeply rooted fear of abandonment from childhood and its marriage to my anxious attachment as an adult. I was petrified that the man I loved, my best friend, my parents... would all leave me. That they would rather spend their time with other people, doing other things, instead of be with me. I didn’t value myself so why would anyone else value me? And that was the belief that I constantly chased to prove right- and the Universe did not disappoint.

Every text, call, and person down the street was of higher worth than I believed myself to be- and my mind took that and ran. I would often find myself lost in time as I fantasized of the shoulda-coulda-wouldas and the what ifs. I would imagine myself finding out about there being another woman, and create an award-winning scenario that you would only see in a movie. I was so engulfed in what my brain invented that I would drag those made up feelings with me into my real life. Snapping at my loved ones because of the shit I made up in my mind.I couldn’t even watch films or shows with cheating or partying because I would immediately think that the same would happen to me- as if the experience was transmittable through tv.

I believed that if someone were to make plans with another person that it was a personal attack towards me- as if it was solely based off the fact that they didn’t want me in their life. I whined and fought to make people hang out with only me- the thought of sharing someone was torture. Would they come back?

Jealousy caused me to repel friendships because I wouldn’t allow myself to believe that good women existed. I assumed all women were here to be homewreckers and rip my relationships away from me, not noticing that I was destroying them myself. Everything was a competition, each interaction had to be catty, fuming with spite. I even found myself developing those exact same characteristics of the people I was jealous of- in order to “win.”

The loneliness I lived in was excruciating- the more I clung, begged and demanded- the more I pushed everyone away. Creating the vicious cycle that kept me hooked to the behavior for more than a decade.  Sometimes, my suspicions were correct- making it even harder to stop living in paranoia. Other times, I was so overwhelmed from the imaginary that I couldn’t decipher the real.

Jealousy allowed me to stand on my own two feet, to seek solace in myself so I could finally find interdependence in my relationships. It helped lead me to the life changing work of letting go of codependency, and start the healing of my inner child. I was finally able to start grounding myself so I wasn’t lost in the infinite space of my mind- floating away in the abyss of unreality. At last, I was able to decide what I wanted and what I needed in my life once I made the decision that jealousy wasn’t part of it. Through this I was able to create boundaries in all areas of my life- with all people. It even helped me to realize that love is abundant and spending time with other people didn’t take love away from me.

I’m still working on it as I find the fine line between rampant possessiveness and a healthy dose of attachment. I think it’s normal to feel the ping of jealousy now and then as it reminds us of the work we still need to do and the behaviors we won’t tolerate. Envy can be the fuel to rising above and seeking more for yourself which then helps you enjoy the success of others. I work every day to become a happier and healthier person and though there are times when I feel the flare up of jealousy in the horizon, I allow myself the time to reflect inwardly and offer compassion and kindness as I navigate the familiar territory one last time...

Love always,

Mabes

Healing from Sexual Trauma: Part 2- Unleashed

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I move my precious body as one of my favorite songs plays. All alone in the sacred space I have created I am encouraged to remove my clothing. The freedom of being in my own skin as I intuitively dance to the music. As the climax of the song approaches, I am brought to tears, I feel the front and back of my heart opening as I move and cry all at once. I am filled with joy and sadness, and pure bliss. I release it all in my movement. From this place of turn on- I am ready to create.

It’s taken a long time for me to come to this place. Knowing very well that my sexuality, sensuality and creativity were all interconnected in the same place in my body- the sacral chakra; the womb space that is meant for creating and giving birth to life. How could I possibly tap into this abundant space that connects me straight to God when I felt so small, so shriveled up, so stale and stuck and dry? Even after healing my sexual trauma I was still left with the scattered pieces. Feelings of unworthiness, self-hate that caused me to become insecure in myself and create false body image beliefs. I was making myself small even though I craved to be seen- I longed for self-expression and to feel empowered in my sexuality and sensuality. I could no longer bear the pain of living in a creative rut without imploding.

Dance has always been one of my passions, a place where I felt completely free and overflowing with vivacious and juicy energy. It’s one of the reasons I was called to start my Goddess Ceremonies and dedicate a big portion of those day retreats to dancing. Not just regular dancing, but intentional movement. Where different genres of music and styles of dance merge with each chakra in order to express, release and reboot our sacred energy.

In the past, dance was associated to me with being trashed, carefree and a young, naïve woman at the bar. Half dancing for myself, and half dancing for attention and validation from others. I wanted to be perceived as sexy, a man eater, a tease. In the moment I felt great, but it only ended with me feeling small- not realizing I was giving my power away to anyone who would glance my way just so I could be seen. This is why I felt uncomfortable dancing when I was at home or alone, or sober for that matter. I didn’t feel good in my skin and instead of allowing that shakti energy to flow and uncoil, I stayed stuck in my mind-ungrounded and unwilling to appreciate the embodiment practice that needed to be released.

It wasn’t until the Radiance Retreat hosted by Goddess Alyssa Kuzins, that it was all able to come together for me. All those years of journaling, reflecting, meditating, therapy, de-armoring and trying to figure out why I couldn’t just feel good in my skin finally made sense. With the combination of Goddess study, each woman was able to learn and resonate with a specific Goddess that called to them.

Kali, the ruthless woman who was the remover of obstacles and fear, she represented beginnings and endings and didn’t give a flying fuck. She was able to break me out of my prison. “May she jolt me out of my stuckness, my smallness, my staleness- and shake me into living and creating from a feeling of being turned on.” My prayer to Kali did not come unanswered as we danced and moved the energy through- allowing our bodies to process what we had just set as our new intentions. Kundalini rising within each of us- we are the epitome of Radiant Women.

Goddess Freya visited me next- the card I had initially pulled was ready to come into play, as Kali passed me on. Freya embodies an unapologetic vivaciousness. She is a warrior, bold and free- expressive of her sensuality and sexuality, adventurous and fun. She is me and I am her. “Divine Spirit, may you channel your message through me, I am here, I am ready and the time is now”. After my wild woman ran and danced through the pouring rain, she changed into her most gorgeous see-through nightie and she danced her way out. For the first time in my life I really felt my body, I was so grateful for it and all that she allowed me to do. I payed her gratitude as it finally made sense that I must move her out of love in order to get the creative juices flowing and connected to the creative ideas that Shakti births and into action where Shiva joins us. I was living in a place of smallness, not afraid of failure- for I had “failed” many times before and lived on- but afraid of succeeding. Afraid that to no longer be small and smothered meant to leave everything behind. The lack of movement in my life led me to live in fear, it led me to believe the drama in my mind- the excuses that kept me buried under the covers for fear of true expression, true healing, and truly sharing my gifts to the world- I was unable to take the small steps in the right direction because of the“bigger picture” that the hell in my mind had envisioned.

I AM A RADIANT ASS WOMAN. I AM HERE. THE TIME IS NOW. I AM UNLEASHED AND FROM THIS SACRED SPACE- I CREATE, I LIVE, I LOVE, I PLAY, I FEEL, I DANCE…I AM.

 

Love always,

Mabes