Keeping calm within chaos  

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It’s been an endless month of repressed emotional eruption. Opportunities not working out, feeling empty and stuck in life. Unsturdy foundations coming down in shambles as the trauma from childhood resurfaces because your elder parents are separating. Just knowing that deep inside what I had refused to look at had finally caught up with me.

It’s so easy to react and make yourself the victim when things don’t go your way- regardless of how good your intentions were. Then the victim mentality turns into wallowing and focusing on dissatisfaction, which leads to anger and resentment at the mere sight of joy in others. The emptiness inside becomes so vast and deep that it seeps into all areas of your life where you constantly project your inner turmoil on the world.

I had to sit down today- forcing myself to remove all of my escape mechanisms and finally air it all out. The difficult and uncomfortable sharpness that comes from admitting your own faults and how easy it is to run down the old and familiar path of negativity. Becoming so “tunnel-visioned” that you don’t even care about the effect it has on others- refusing to acknowledge that I was a human repellent to all things good. The idea that I am “bathing in dirty water” is something that is quick to remind me to check myself- but it wasn’t enough to get me to stop the all too familiar and self-deprecating habits.

A month of self-torture was inevitably leading to my own conscious depression. The tiny flame in me fighting for the oxygen to grow inside of empty darkness.

I’m grateful to be a shadow worker because it is the exact tool I need for the vital reality check my soul is screaming for. I was able to let it flow out of me with out the need to dissect it with over analyzation. Not wanting to change or fix it-but let it be so I can truly recognize where it was rooting from. I am able to remember my purpose; to heal and end negative cycles in my family, to help others to heal and thrive in all areas of their life, to make for a slightly smoother ride with slightly less suffering for my future family and to inspire with what I am able to create for the world. Only I am responsible for my life, my joy and what I choose to make of myself. Only I can choose to commit day after day to showing up as the best version of myself in that moment. Only I can break the harmful cycles that run deep in my blood. Only I can choose to stop bathing in dirty water.

my wings

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You never know the weight and the hold that something had on you until it’s gone.

If you would have asked me a few years ago, a month ago, shit even a few days ago, my skin would’ve crawled with all the heebees and the jeebees at the idea of being non-monogamous. I was so full of insecurity, doubts, limiting beliefs and society’s expectations of what love was, who to have it with, and what it had to look like, that I was incapable of believing there were other ways to live.

Coming from a past of sexual shame, fear and guilt, I never would have thought that the way to my healing was through sexual freedom. I had so much unresolved pain and trauma around sex that I would always ignore that part of me that wanted more than one person- the trigger being too much to bear.

I fell in love with my fiancé at a young age, we were both kids and lord did we not know what we were getting into. It was a very bumpy and painful ride throughout our time together, but we kept on saying yes because it was the absolute necessary catalyst that we needed in order to start our healing journeys.

Even through our ups and downs my attraction to others never subsided, making me question my relationship, my own intentions and who I was as a person. I had convinced myself that I was bad and that I would get my karma in return. I even tried to make myself believe that I just wasn’t a sexual person. I was so happy when I got engaged, and yet, as the time went on, I couldn’t help but notice that something was still missing. Now, I’ve been doing shadow work for years now so it wasn’t my own sense of emptiness or longing to feel loved that I felt. It was more of an itch that I couldn’t scratch, a feeling that I was holding myself back in some way and that I wasn’t being true to myself.

After years of making fucked up and selfish choices I knew I never wanted to have an affair or cheat again. I made a commitment that felt right to me and I was going to give it my all. As time went on, my sexual desires at home plummeted, and yet, when I was out of the house, I felt invigorated and fully awake from my intense sexual desires towards other people.

Thoughts of being in an open relationship kept popping in my mind, keeping me up at night or waking me up early in the morning. I started thinking about it more often, and the idea of it kept showing up in different ways in our lives. I would make jokes about it to the people around me, knowing very well that I was dead serious.

My epiphany moment came when I played a podcast episode during my commute. The now engaged couple spoke about how being in an open relationship had allowed them to heal deeply rooted insecurities, subconscious beliefs and closed-minded ideas about love and relationships. They talked about how it forced them to look deep inside the darkness of themselves, and transcend that into light. It allowed them to feel true universal love, and fully experience the abundance of love.

We looked at each other and something clicked, sparks flew, fireworks went off, the universe was screaming. Everything they spoke about was triggering us in a good way and forced us to take a look at what we both really needed in a way that allowed us to be true to ourselves and each other. The love I feel for him is unique and can never be replaced by anyone else because there is only one him. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that loving multiple people does not take love away from one or the other; love is limitless. For the first time in my life I feel so safe, stable, grounded and free all at the same time within myself and my relationship. I cannot believe I get to marry such an amazing, loving man who can honor me as a person and what I need. He gave me my wings, and I will always fly back home.